I’m a shit disturber. I say that with neither pride nor shame, only as a statement of fact.
I have a quick tongue, little fear, a shrewd mind, and a social justice heart. (And a NoCo STL attitude.)
It’s a bad combination.
The problem is, and always has been, that I have a rough time choosing my battles because they are all really important to me. At times, I can just let things roll. Watch and wait. Follow the proper procedures. But then I get fed up. And unfortunately, when I get fed up with one thing, that tends to snowball into the other things I am trying NOT to confront as well.
It’s as if my inner animal rises up ans says, “ALL RIGHT. THAT IS ENOUGH!! I HAVE. HAD. ENOUGH. RAWWWWWWWRRR!!!”
And so I engage. In all the things, because hey, why the hell not?!
That translates into a life where I have a lot of little shitstorms raging at the same time.
That’s going on right now.
I have a work situation going on. I sat on it for a bit but then it became clear that it was going to affect my ability to do my job, so I had to engage it.
I have a situation going on with one of the kid’s coaches. I sat on some awful knowledge for a good six months, but then it became clear that nothing was changing. It was getting worse, and nothing was being done about it, so I had to engage it.
I have a situation going on with someone at the kids’ school. I have tried for years to follow the proper procedures, and nothing has ever changed. So I had to up my engagement on that issue.
And the more shit I stir up, the more I feel like The Problem. My mom always told me, when I was struggling as a teen, that if I have a problem with everyone, then maybe the problem was me. Even though I feel very much in the right about each of these situations, maybe I am just stirring up shit that doesn’t need stirred. Maybe a better person could just let it go. Maybe my expectations are too high, my ire too easily raised.
Maybe I am making le mountain out of le molehill.
I hate feeling like The Problem. I hate the drama, I hate the nervous tension, and even though I am not afraid to deal with conflict it’s no way to live day to day. I can’t really bitch about hating the drama when it’s there because I instigated it.
But on the other hand, I refuse to believe that I am supposed to just sit there and let it all roll. How is that right? Is it better not to fight for what is right? Is the easier way the best way? Is my peace worth knowing that my choice not to engage might affect my children, or my livelihood?
And so I engage. And I slog through it, and usually peace is eventually made. Until the next shitstorm.
I don’t feel very much like a grownup when it’s going on. I don’t fight dirty, I am (mostly) respectful, but I do say what I need to say. I offer eight ways to help be a part of the solution. I sandwich my criticism. I give appropriate, timely, and constructive feedback. And it’s freaking exhausting.