Well, I got the job. I start in the beginning of June. 

Oh. My. God.

I start. In the beginning of June.

I have been home for four years and two months. I transitioned into stay-at-home motherhood with a fresh new baby, a three year old, and a soon-to-be kindergartener. I re-enter the full-time workforce with kids entering 4th and 2nd grade, and a pre-kindergartener. 

I am… god, I don’t know what I am.

I know this is the right time, I know it is the right thing, even though I am sad about leaving this behind. It was always supposed to be a season– not the rest of my mothering journey. And it actually was supposed to end two years ago. Even a year ago, I wasn’t ready— we weren’t ready. 

But I think we are as ready as we can be, now. I’m still sad to lose the ability to pick up and hit the pool on a random afternoon. I worry about missing those sunny afternoons when we all curled up on the couch with our books. I cry when I think about the fact that my youngest child has never NOT had me there– and now he will be on his own all day in day care. 

I worry, worry, worry. Shit, the other day I was crying because I felt guilty about what this would do to my DOG for the love of Pete. 

BUT. I can take time off to hit the pool. We can read in the evenings. The kids are psyched to go to a day program with all their friends. Squeak is (somewhat cluelessly) excited about his new school. As conflicted as I was about working when the older kids were littler, they don’t even remember when I worked full time. So there goes my worries that I was ruining their little lives.

Evenings are going to be crazy, life is going to be insane, but I think it’s time. I loved my career, was good at it. If I don’t go back soon, I will lose the ability to do so. This job is a great opportunity, with good people, and good pay. I worry that my kids are “losing me,” but they aren’t. They need to see me working and being successful outside of the home just as much as they needed me in the home four years ago. 

Mostly…  It’s time. I wouldn’t mind to wait another year for Squeak to be in school… but it took 6 months to be hired now.  And also he is driving me batshit crazy (this is mostly since I took the job. It’s like he senses a disturbance in the force.)

Also, we super need a second bathroom and we can’t move until I start bringing home some scratch.