I just got off the phone with my student loan company, and I can’t even describe how angry I am. I am so angry I am crying. I am so angry that I just want to crawl in a hole. I have no words for this angry. Only a lot of vowels. 

History: I paid my own way through college. Twice. I worked all through school, sometimes two and three jobs at a time. I had scholarships, and student loans. I went to a good public school. I graduated with honors alllllllmost on time. I did not party excessively, and I was pretty much a good egg. There were many times when I had no clue whether or not I would be able to stay in college. Times when I just took whatever classes I could get, because I could not register until the last minute– because I didn’t have the money to register or buy books. I don’t think most people knew just how little money I had to get through school, or how close I was to losing it all several times. 

In grad school, I had an assistantship that paid my tuition, room and board, and a small stipend. But of course, I still had car payments and other expenses. My assistantship required that I could not hold other employment, so I had to take loans for some of my living expenses. I went without health insurance for two years because most grad students do— it is so expensive to insure yourself, that most folks just gamble. I lost that gamble my second year of grad school, when I ended up with $2,000 in medical debt. 

If you are thinking to yourself “well, it’s a good thing you went to college so you could stay home with your kids,” here is what I would like you to do:

  • Find the nearest mirror, and stand in front of it
  • Look yourself in the face
  • Tell yourself out loud to fuck off
  • Punch yourself in the face at least twice. Hard.

Anyway.

When I left college, I had debt. Most people do. I had what is considered a fairly low debt– $22,000. Today, 65% of college undergrads graduate with an average of $25,000 in student debt. So, to owe what I owe AND have a Masters, I did pretty well.

Once I got a job, I set up a repayment plan with my student loan holder. Because I was making peanuts when I graduated (yay for the field of education!), I chose the lowest amount possible. Interest rates at that time were shit. But I didn’t have anyone standing in line to help me with that debt, so I had to take what was offered. 

And that pretty much brings us to today. Today, when I thought to myself “Man, I am THISCLOSE to paying off that student loan, I think. Lemme check on that!”

Today, I found out some wonderful gems about the “help” I received.

  • My projected pay-off date is in 2020. YES. FUCKING TWENTY TWENTY. Motherfuckers. 
  • On my current course of action, that help will end up costing me $21,557 in interest. YES. THAT IS ABOUT THE EXACT AMOUNT OF THE ORIGINAL LOAN. 
  • Students can only consolidate their student loans ONCE. So, even though interest rates are HALF what they were when I consolidated in 2000, too fucking bad for me. So sorry. I cannot re-consolidate.
  • When I asked them how it was possible that I have paid off TWO CARS in the time that I have only reached they halfway point of this loan, I discovered that it is a different kind of loan. It costs me roughly $2.43 every. single. day. to owe this money. 
  • Banks will not lend you money so that you can pay off this horrible rape of a loan and pay their slightly less abusive rates instead. 
If you already knew all of this, and are judging me for not knowing, go ahead to that first set of bullet points and repeat. 

Goddammit I am so angry. 

Some of it is old anger. All through school, most of my friends had help paying for school. Many of my friends did not work. Many of my friends partied all the damn time and drove decent cars and did not shop at the Salvation Army for their winter coat. And they skipped school and made shit grades and they never had to worry that they might lose their scholarship. That made me so. damn. angry at the time. I had to work so hard and watched while other people just pissed it away. 

There are only so many times you can tell yourself that you are the better person because you knew the VALUE of college because you had to work for it. Only so many times you can tell yourself that that crap doesn’t matter. Lemme tell you, karma never rectifies this. Today, those folks live in bigger houses, drive nicer cars, etc  because they didn’t start off their “real lives” paying off student debt. 

Some of it is political anger– how in the world is this okay? How is it okay that once students make a repayment plan, they are not allowed to EVER, ever, ever get a lower rate?  How is it that a population that is so ill-prepared and ill-educated about these loans and what it will take to repay them are taken advantage of so completely? How have we built a society where you pretty much HAVE to have a Bachelor’s degree to get work, and then made entry-level jobs so hard to get? 

Some of it is anger at myself, for sure– I didn’t pay attention to this loan once I *was* old enough to make better payments. I actually didn’t even look at it, because other loans on the surface seemed to be smarter to pay off. I’m angry that I’m not a whiz at this kind of stuff.Finances are one of the areas of adulthood that it seems like everyone else “gets” but me (and I know this isn’t true, lots of us are idiots about money, but that’s what it FEELS like.)

I’m trying to get my house in order in 2012. My body, my finances, and my ACTUAL house. But it’s hard, because a lot of these issues evoke an emotional response. A great big “DAMMIT!” that I can’t really do anything about other than work to correct from here on out. It evokes feelings about how much of that crap is determined by factors that are completely out of your control, and feelings about how ignorance twenty years ago continues to fuck you over today. 

And I know that I was fortunate to be able to go to college at all. And I know that life is not fair. And I know I could have made better choices. And I know I can change things and better the situation. I know. 

But I still feel so freaking angry, you know?