I have pined for approximately five years about wanting to stay home with the kids, and now the time is nigh. And it’s scary, and gets scarier as the reality of it gets closer and closer.
This week I will be resigning my job.
We have come up with solutions for much of what concerns me– Funk is enrolled in preschool for next fall, so she’ll stay active and involved with a peer group, and a teacher, and an activity outside of home. Noise starts kindergarten. I have taken a part-time job that puts us almost back to where we would be with 2 kids in day care and me still working, so the money thing has hashed itself out. (This is not without sacrifice, as my part-time job happens from 4 to 6am each morning. OUCH.) My husband is supportive and we are safe and mostly healthy.
Really, we have been unabashedly blessed.
The disconcerting feeling, the one that I can’t seem to shrink, is that of shrinking. I feel as though I am quietly, slowly shrinking into a shell, a woman without an identity of her own, someone whose only import comes from raising, feeding, and caring for her brood. It’s not a comfortable feeling, and I am struggling with it. I say this even as I acknowledge that every step backwards has been my own choice, my own idea, my own prioritizing.
When I left my 70-hr a week job after Funk was born, I went from running my own department to an entry level job. I took a $16,000 pay cut. Suddenly, no one asked for my input or gave a shit about my opinions. My experience and knowledge were worse than discarded– they were actively discouraged.
I shrank.
I made this choice, and I wanted this life, this balance.
But still, I felt like less than.
I shrank into my current job. I was home every night, every weekend. My role in our home grew, of course, but my import in the world-at-large was vastly diminished. And as someone who got a lot of her self-worth from her job, it was a serious adjustment that took over a year to make.
As I go about the steps to take yet another huge step away from my “career” and towards what feels sometimes like the 1950’s, I am fearful that this shrinking will continue. What will I say at parties when people ask me what I do? Will I feel as fulfilled shuttling kids as I did bringing home a paycheck?
So much of my identity is wrapped up in being this independent, educated, working woman. What will it feel like to lose an adjective? (And I am not saying that SAHM’s don’t work. In fact, I expect it to be 100% more difficult than my job.)
I am eager to be on this adventure, even as I fear it. But I don’t have any ideas on how to fight this feeling… this cloying fear… that someday I may shrink into nothingness; nothing but my children as evidence I live, nothing but their voices supplanting my own, formerly strong voice.
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March 23, 2009 at 9:48 pm
Melanie
You know I have the same struggles, I am proud of my education, I was proud of the work I did, yet I quit it all to be a SAHM, I dont regret it per se’ but there are days, when I feel like my identity is lost. Then there are other days, sitting at the park on a random tuesday in perfect weather conditions with two beautiful kids and I think DANG I would be missing THIS….. and it seems to shift my thinking a bit. I figure in a few SHORT years the kids will be in school and I will redefine myself again……..until then, I am going to enjoy the ride.
March 23, 2009 at 11:45 pm
Kelly
Hi there
You don’t know me, but I’ve been lurking on your blog for a few weeks. (not even sure how I came to find it)
Just wanted to introduce myself and say congrats on Squeak and good luck with your new adventure of being a SAHM!
I love reading your blog and the true-ness of your words!
March 24, 2009 at 7:17 am
Rachael
I didn’t have a well established career to leave, had only been working for a few years. But I still had a hard time leaving to stay home because I didn’t feel that people looked at that as a very legitimate choice, or as a job, when I knew it was.
I am sure it will be an adjustment, but you’ll also get to be in on so much you wouldn’t be otherwise, and I don’t think you’ll ever regret spending that time with Squeak!
March 24, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Chandra Dunbar
You will adjust, I promise. You may shrink for a bit, but you will grow in ways you can’t even imagine. For me, the transition was similar to what you are feeling. My identity was a reflection of my career. I quickly realized how wrong I was. People see me for the person I am, not the job I did. I began to grow in all sorts of new directions when I didn’t have that crutch to stand on anymore.
Now six years into this experience, I understand that not only are the kids better for having me home, but I am better for being here.
I have watched you struggle, change and grow so much in the last 10 or so years. Each time a new path in your life opens up you struggle through it and then learn to embrace it. You ALWAYS come out a better person on the other side. I have no doubt you will embrace this new time in your life and be amazing.
March 24, 2009 at 3:14 pm
Abby
I left a very good and promising career to stay at home with my kids. I even got a lot of crap for leaving because of it (strangely enough, I was supported through my decision by all the men at my job; it was all the women who gave me crap about leaving to be “just” a mom–nice, huh?). Even today when I tell people the job I left they can’t believe I would do that and some have just assumed that I couldn’t hack it and it was too hard, because really, who would leave a job like that just for a couple of kids?? I realized at the time and it’s only been further reinforced in my mind that although it was a great job that required a lot just to get into it, those people easily replaced me after I left. Any monkey could do that job, but no one can love and raise my kids better than I can. I was good in my last job, but I’m the best person in the world for this job. My kids will never forget that their mom left a career because they are more important to her than the job was. I always appreciated that my own mom stayed at home as long as she could with me before she had to go back to work when I got older. I even remember feeling sorry for other kids whose mothers had to work and couldn’t take care of them when they got home from school. They came to my house because my mom WAS there. And now I’m there for my kids. I don’t give a flying crap what everyone else thinks what I should have done with my life. I know what I wanted and you know what you want and that’s all that matters. I’ve reached a point where my self-esteem is high enough that I don’t need the constant pats on the back and the raises and the certificates of appreciation to feel needed and worthy. My kids are proof enough.
I remember watching an Oprah thing years ago about SAHM vs. working moms. Maria Shriver was her guest and she encouraged all SAHMs to feel proud about what they do. She said when someone asks you what you do for a living, don’t himhaw about it, don’t act ashamed. You say proudly, “I’m a mom.” That’s all you have to say. Because it speaks volumes. There are a lot of jerks in the world who will tell you that being a mom isn’t enough, that you have to prove yourself more. I disagree. And so will your kids. Being a mom is everything and you should be proud of what you do. People pay six figures for what you do in a day’s time, and yet you’re willing to do it all for love. THAT is a noble calling and don’t you forget it.
March 24, 2009 at 4:28 pm
Sugarplumsmom
This is what struck me in your post.. “someday I may shrink into nothingness; nothing but my children as evidence I live, nothing but their voices supplanting my own, formerly strong voice.”
Your children’s voices only add to the strength of yours, yours is not lessened. My grandmother talks a lot about my grandfather who died 40 years ago. I never knew him but in a time when most men around her were macho, he wasn’t. She always says the greatest measure of his strength is his kindness, warmth and gentleness. You’ll find yours.
March 24, 2009 at 11:14 pm
Mom
In any job you can ever have, you can be replaced….except for one. When you move to another job, someone takes your place and in a few years no one remembers you were there…..except for one. The years I was able to be home raising children were the most fun, the most meaningful and made me grow to see what really important and beautiful in life. It was sometimes hard work, often hilarious and generally entertaining. I didn’t go back to work full-time because I needed or wanted too except that my children moved on and I had to figure out what to do without them. It was amazing how fast it passed, shocking that it was so brief. In all the years of a life-time, it is such a precious passing moment and it won’t come again until you get to be a grandma.
Love, Mom